How to *actually* feel more confident
10 things you can do to build your confidence, self-worth, and self-love
How you feel about yourself ( on both a conscious + subconscious level) creates your entire reality. This can manifest in so many different ways - the relationships you accept, the job opportunities you align with, the environment you live in, even the state of your health. If you are filled with a lot of negative self-talk, feel insecure, or are full of self-doubt, I want to share the action-oriented things that helped me build my confidence and shift my frequency because if you want to attract better circumstances, people, and experiences into your life you need to build yours too. True confidence comes from a high sense of self-worth and only when you embody that worth will the world mirror back better experiences to you.
1. Complete a task that feels like a challenge
I still get a huge confidence boost every time I finish a workout. Even the 25 minute classes I do at home are incredibly challenging. I get a feeling of accomplishment that stays with me and builds more momentum throughout the day. Added bonus: I get a boost from keeping the promise to myself that I’ll do it. So whatever feels challenging, even if you think you can’t do it - at the very least try. It doesn’t matter if you have to pause and take a break. It doesn’t even matter if you do it ‘perfectly’. What matters is that you show up and do it to the best of your ability.
2. Keep all of the daily promises you make to yourself
The above brings me to my next point. When you keep promises to yourself you establish self-respect and self-love. You affirm, ‘I’m important and I matter to me’. If you’re not used to doing this, keep a small notebook by your bed and make a list of the things you want to accomplish that day or make the list before you sleep. Whether it’s working out, cooking a homemade meal, reading, making a phone call, or doing something you’ve been procrastinating on…writing down what’s important to you will keep you accountable. Once you’ve completed the promise, check it off your list. Eventually, it will become a habit to honor the things you know are important to you.
3. Take action despite fear or doubt
Maybe your promise to yourself is trying something new that scares you a little. I remember when I wanted to start playing tennis in my early 30’s but honestly I was a little overwhelmed with the idea of finding an instructor, meeting someone I didn’t know for a lesson, but also affording it - I’ll circle back to the affording it part in a minute. Despite all those reasons that could have held me back, I made the commitment and proceeded anyway. You have to know that nothing can actually manifest without a little bit of action on your end. While chilling out and allowing is part of the manifestation process, so is taking action, because action shifts your frequency and shows the Universe that you’re serious about what you want.
Another great example of taking action is applying for a new job. Interviews can be intimidating especially if you’re insecure or lack confidence in your abilities. I personally always dreaded them in my 20’s and even early 30’s because I didn’t actually believe in myself. Even if I was good at what I did, I didn’t actually believe it deep down. Once my perception of myself changed, and I understood what I brought to the table, I could breeze through interviews and new opportunities opened up. I could approach things from a standpoint of “is this something that I want?” and ask questions based on that. Don’t be discouraged. It can take several interviews or a few different jobs to build your confidence, but going through the process will change you. Keep pursuing new opportunities that will provide challenges. Your soul will always lead you to the perfect experience that will help you learn and grow.
4. Pursue your interests even if you don’t feel confident to start
Too many people put off their interests because they’re a beginner or just don’t know how to start. First, trust that when you really want something, the Universe will send you the exact people you need to guide you - or at the very least nudge and encourage you a little.
I’m going to use tennis as my example again because it truly helped me build my confidence and self-esteem even though that’s not the reason I started. I was just following my intuition and desire, but ultimately it was something that helped me grow. At the time, I had an intuitive mentor who picked up on my desire to play. During a session, she asked if I ever played tennis. I was feeling stuck and she told me I needed an outlet. That was the nudge I needed to move forward. When I finally got started, tennis mirrored things back to me - like when my first coach told me to not be afraid of the ball during my first lesson. I laugh at that now but I’m so grateful I pushed through and kept learning. It really made me think about how I approached (or rather didn’t approach) other things in life.
And circling back to the affording it part - I only ever paid for 4 lessons with that coach on a public court. Fast forward a few months and I was in a new relationship with a guy who loved golf & tennis clubs. He knew I loved tennis and we started taking lessons and playing together. Once we were living together, I started taking lessons at the club with a coach on my own every week - all because I had the courage to seek out that first instructor, pay for a few lessons, invest in a racquet, and trust that everything always works out for me when I follow my guidance. So even when you’re full of fear or don’t feel confident enough to start, trust that when you really want something and it’s in alignment, God always provides the way.
Just to emphasize that point I’ll share another story: I actually took a 4 year hiatus from tennis, but just last year, I remember very clearly being on vacation in San Diego and I signed up for the group tennis lesson at the hotel. I fell in love with it again but also clearly remember saying ‘but I only like to play on nice courts’ - because the hotel court was beautiful, but I wasn’t aware of any courts in LA I could go to without a membership, so I didn’t put too much effort into pursuing it. But a couple of months later, when I was out having lunch one day, a new tennis coach actually found me this time - one with an amazing court - and I’ve been taking lessons again ever since.
5. Pick Up a Hobby
Yes, I’m going to talk about tennis again. I’m sorry. It’s the hobby that I personally love, but my advice is to start a hobby based on something you’re interested in. If you can’t think of anything, think back to what you dreamed about doing as a child but never did. Even if you don’t like it after a while, it’s ok to let it go and try something different. You can’t know what you like until you know what you don’t like. So at the very least it will bring some self-awareness. Hobbies build confidence. They also affirm that you are worthy and deserving of enjoyment and fun.
And now that I mention it, focus on having fun! That’s what hobbies are about. Not perfection. Enjoy the process. Building skills is part of building confidence. When you stay committed and feel your improvement over time, you’re going to become incredibly confident. You’re going to think ‘look what I can do!’
6. Validate your skills and interests
So at this point, you’ve taken on some new challenges and learned a few new things about yourself in the process. For starters, you’ve learned you can do hard and scary things and what once seemed scary now seems easy. You’ve even expanded some of your interests and acquired some new skills and knowledge.
Now you’re going to start making lists to validate all of these skills and interests. This is a journaling practice I created and built into THE ‘SELF-LOVE WORKSHEET
It’s guaranteed to build your confidence. It’s actually my best-selling worksheet, so what does that tell you? Anyway, now your confidence is going to peak because look at who you are and look at everything you are capable of. You can download it here.
Note: this isn’t a one-time practice. This is a journaling practice you can keep coming back to every time a layer of insecurity or low self-worth pops up.
Validate what doesn’t resonate with you
You don’t have to like what everyone else likes just because it’s trendy or ‘cool’. Cool can mean a million different things and the coolest thing is following your own passions and interests. If you aren’t interested in something, own it. If something doesn’t come naturally to you and you have absolutely zero interest in pursuing it or building the skillset to be good at it, own that too. You don’t have to be perfect or ‘fit in’ in order to be loved or to feel worthy.
8. Speak up for yourself
Ask questions when something isn’t clear to you. Let someone know when something doesn’t feel right or your values aren’t aligned. Whether you are in a pilates class or in a group meeting, it can be so easy to stay quiet when something doesn’t make sense because what if everyone else gets it but you? Or what if they don’t like you anymore because you disagree? Staying quiet always felt safe to me.
Working in a corporate office, I had a hard time speaking up in meetings. Looking back, I was full of opinions but I was also just full of self-doubt. What if what I had to say wasn’t good enough? What if everyone else’s opinions were better than mine? What if. What if. What if. Stop overthinking it. I get it, if you have low self-esteem it’s easy to assume that everyone knows more than you do and your question or comment might seem like you aren’t smart enough. On the contrary, some people are just as afraid to speak up as you are and your opinions do matter.
What if what you have to share is a unique idea no one else has thought of yet? What if the person in charge is afraid to ask questions themselves. Start affirming for yourself that your opinions do matter and start speaking up. Even if you’re full of fear or doubt and your voice shakes - do it.
I can’t help but speak up for myself now. A few months ago, there was a team dinner planned by the company I work for. There was a $150 budget per person but when the check arrived, our manager who chose the restaurant and ordered the food, stated we were over budget by about $50, so we would each owe that. I spoke up and said I didn’t think that was fair - we were invited to this dinner and honestly I wouldn’t have attended. I honestly don’t remember exactly what I said but I remember how I felt and in that moment I wasn’t just speaking up for myself - I was speaking up for the team. Younger me would have never. Yet in the end, no one had to pay. The expense was submitted to the company as it was and I’m sure everyone else was happy about that too.
There was another time, I was in a pilates class last year and the room was uncomfortably hot. No one had said anything yet, so I spoke up and asked if they could turn the AC on. Everyone in the class responded in relief - agreeing that it was too hot. Some people might just be as shy as you - so be the one who speaks up because your needs and comfort matter.
Stop comparing yourself to other people
Comparison is the thief of joy. I’m sure you’ve heard that before and it’s true. Your life isn’t theirs and vice versa. Your purpose isn’t theirs and vice versa. Every single one of us is different because that’s how we were designed despite being taught that we should fit in and all want the same things. A book that really resonated with me was one called ‘In Case Nobody Told You’ by Emily Maroutian. Her words and insight changed the game for me. They were the healing words I needed at the time and I would recommend it to anyone wanting to build their confidence and self-worth.
Take care of yourself.
I saved the easiest action for last :) Self-Care = self-respect and self-love. I always advocate for self-care because it makes you feel good. While the inner work is essential for building real confidence, how you dress and take care of yourself plays a huge role. So, put on a nice outfit just because it makes you feel good. Get a haircut that makes you feel confident. Go for a massage that helps you release tension and feel at ease. Eat well and workout. Taking care of yourself shifts your energy because it makes you feel good, but it also makes you look good and that helps you bring all that confident energy you’ve built into the world.
Sidebar: This could be a whole ‘nother Substack but start becoming even more confident by not needing someone else to validate what looks good on you. When you’re shopping and trying on clothes - tune into how something makes you feel rather than what someone else thinks or what the latest trends are. Tuning into your inner voice, validating yourself, and having your own personal style is also the key to true confidence.
